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and you can never quarantine the past

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fig_trees
fig_trees
fig_trees


[it's not terribly lovely or pleasing to the eyes yet, but it will soon be]


I am completely done with this journal.
Thank you for being a part of it.
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Thankfully Saucebox sent my last paycheck. They had lied and told me they mailed it out the 5th, but when I got it today (the 19th), it said it been sent out the 17th. How aggravating! But thankfully with that check and the security deposit I just got back from my old apartment, I am no longer completely broke. I went out today and bought some new things to wear to work (I start this Wednesday!) and took myself out to lunch. I also bought the following, which has improved my life almost 100% again:


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which I watched in my mother's bedroom while eating a Crunch Wrap Supreme. Hey, I deserve a little down time after all this depressing stuff that's been going on. A little retail therapy, junk food, and hip television did just the trick. It also didn't hurt that I bought new makeup and some polaroid film. After this weekend though, I am going back to not eating fast food, walking more, and probably back to vegetarian. Yay!

Tomorrow is the Harry Potter release party. For all of you in Spokane, I think some of us are going to the movie at 8pm at Northtown and then hanging around the Barnes and Noble until midnight! Let me know if you plan on going!
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1) Does anyone know if it's true about the new Macbook coming with a free Ipod? I am far too lazy to look right now, but I heard that's true. Does Spokane have an actual Apple store? Or is it just a place that sells computers/electronics?


2) I went to the library yesterday and talked to my librarian friend there about starting a zine shelf. She said it was a wonderful idea, and that she will bring it up at the next meeting. Hopefully it works out, because growing up, I would have loved to get zines at the library, and I have so many to donate/know so many people that can donate. At least I trying to keep busy with projects.




3)Next up, trying to see if I can consign some of my sewing projects to my favorite downtown gift shop. Hopefully! This will probably wait until I am settled into my own place so I can actually work on these projects!




The funeral was today. I didn't start really crying until my older brother put his arm around me and started crying/asked me if I was ok and let me cry on him. Growing up we were pretty close, but he was never the emotional type. I was overly emotional, and was usually picked on by him or my dad for crying. It was strange to see him showing pain because he has always kept it deep down. They had a military style burial because my grandma served as a nurse in the army and even spent much of that time in Tokyo. I found out all these things about her that I never knew when she was alive. It was good to hear, but made me sad that it took something like her passing for me to find out. I think I am doing ok, aside from being stressed and feeling rather ill from all the food we have been eating lately. It's so nice going from not having food in my apartment, to this, but I'm about done with food being every single where I look. I saw the rest of my family (mostly my mom's cousins and uncles/aunts) and most didn't remember me. My family is rather large, but nobody comes together unless someone marries or passes away.

I also feel guilty for thinking about myself and how upset I am over Nikk. I called him when I got home, and to my surprise he was there. I guess he needs time, but I am just so upset that he didn't show any sign of concern. Thankfully I have amazing friends all over the world who have been there for me. Thank you all for that.

The next order of business is to find out when I start work and to call around to price apartments.




4)I would really like to see you Spokane kids. I know we are all very busy, and I completely understand. I just felt like putting it out there, and if you would like to get together, I would love to try and plan something.
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I had my second job interview at The Rocket Bakery today. This time it was with the general manager, and it was held at the Valley location. I was bummed to find out it was at the Valley, because I assumed that meant they wanted me to work there and not downtown, which would have put a damper on me moving downtown, and would make it almost pointless.

I'm pretty satisfied though. The general manager just wanted to meet with me and see if I met their standards. I start working at the downtown location soon. He has to talk to my manager and get back to me with a schedule.

Yeah man. This rules. And the apartment I want is across the street and in my price range!

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i am in a major slump today. maybe it's because for the past few months, at this time, i would be djing my radio show. i miss it. so far i have watched really horrible tv, burned a tv dinner in the microwave (like how i can bake and cook from scratch, but instant food is a disaster in my hands?), and searched for chanel logo flats and a new marc by marc jacobs tote. browsing for items i know i can't afford sort of fills this void i have been experiencing since i got here. thank the heavens above that i don't have a credit card in my possession, because who knows what i would be doing with it under this stress. one things for sure, i need me a macbook. pronto.

last night, amy hart and i cory kennedy-ed the hell out of downtown. perhaps only some of you will get that reference. it's alright, we didn't party that hard. it mainly consisted of bars that charged cover (what?), so we ended up in a divey shithole where they gave us two whiskey sours on the house, and then ended up back at a friend's house where she concocted whiskey sours in a one gallon milk jug that we toted around town on foot. we parked on a bench and talked about millions of things that at the time blew my mind, but now looking back, i am just so amazed how small this town is and how everyone really does know everyone. back downtown, amy had her ass grabbed by some guy and i shooed him off like a good friend would, and amy was kind enough to purchase breakfast foods for all three of us. being a paranoid girl that i am, i felt nervous slipping in at 4am, just hoping to not be caught by my mother, when i was struck with the realization that I AM 23 NOW, so i went to bed and woke up extrememly discheveled.

i'm not bragging about my partying ways, but it did feel nice to get out of the valley (so weirdly isolated that it is, especially when your normal form of transportation is your feet, bike, best bus system in the country (pdx, not spokane!), and so having the ability to leave my mother's house to hang out with people my age was amazing and made me a little more hopeful about spokane. i have the itch to leave today, but the buses probably stopped running already, and my old work was so kind to have forgot about sending my last paycheck.


tomorrow i find out if i am employed at the rocket. cross those fingers, please!


oh!
hey, it seems to work for everyone else.


Blingo




might as well try it out!
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She passed away this morning.
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This book makes me so happy.

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this personCollapse )

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i broke down last night and wanted to run away to portland. i still need to give myself time to settle in and live my life here. i have gone too far to go back a few steps and repeat everything i did. i'm also not giving up on him, but i am not going to stop my life for him. i can't continue this cycle. i am so tired of boys falling in "love" with me, but not being honest with me. it's not that i always believe them (but ok, i do/did believe nikk), but i also stick around far too long to find out what will happen. i have sort of taken the hint that he will either come around when he has had his alone time, or he won't. it doesn't stop hurting either way, but i can't end my life or put it on hold because he doesn't know what he wants. i know what i want, and that's what matters.

i was supposed to go see harry potter today, but plans were changed. dani's sister wanted to hang out with her because she was upset, and my mom called and asked me to come to the hospital because my aunt was upset and saying it was going to be my grandma's last breathe (she put it something like this. basically, we all freaked out. do you blame us?). turns out it wasn't, and not to sound mean or selfish, but what could we do? we have spent almost everyday up there for the past two weeks, and nothing is changing. i would hate her to die, but we can't stop our lives either. i finally got them to go to dinner with me so we wouldn't be stuck in the hospital anymore. i love my family, but they can be so high strung and intense sometimes. it's obvious right now why they would be, but they have been like this since i can remember. i think i deserve the best daughter award for putting up with half the shit my mom has said to me or done since i got back, and yet i am not saying anything. i'm a trooper, but it's tiring putting up with someone else's stress on top of yours, and when i was crying last night, she got mad and said that nobody made me move. i'm cutting her some slack since i know what she is going through must be ten times as worse since it is her mom.

i just hope things up, period. we told my aunt not to call us tomorrow, even if it's the worse, because she gets so emotional and jumps the gun before she knows what's going on, and then everyone is in a frenzy. my headache is so big right now that i can hear the thumping and throbbing. but, this is what we do for family. i'm not doing this so they can reward me and shower me with compliments, but i feel like a punching bag, and it needs to stop.
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talk about one stressful day. i haven't been getting much sleep since i arrived here (staying up very late, getting up very early), and today was no different. my grandma is still in the hospital, and they were supposed to be taking some of the tubes and the ventilator out of her, but her white blood cell count was much too high, and she also has pneumonia, so we all just went back to bed. it's the first day i got a lot of sleep, and my body still feels like crap. the rest of the day was spent crying, worrying, waiting, and baking a cake to try and cheer us up. last night my mom thanked me for being here, and said without me, things would be a lot worse. it feels nice to have someone recognize me for what i do, i just wish it wasn't under such shitty terms.

i have a job interview in the morning at the rocket bakery downtown. i feel fairly confident, but i don't want to be too full of myself. nikk also put in his resume at the sandwich place across from the bakery, and i know there are a bunch of apartments we like in the area. things seems to be sort of coming together in slow motion, but coming together nonetheless. it's still a complicated situation for the most part, but i am so completely hopeful for it to work out in the end. what's best is that we are talking about things, and taking it slow, even though a part of me wants to rush it all. i suppose taking it slow makes it worth it a lot more. we had a long talk today about what makes me sad, and for the past couple of days he has been making me sad. he apologized for spacing out on meeting up with me, and you know, shit happens. but as i told him, i am going through some terrible things right now, and i need him to be there for me when he says he will. i don't want this to end up like it did with the last boyfriend. i am almost 100% sure that it won't be anything like that, but i need to make sure we talk everything out.

ok, have to go because my mom just yelled, "harry potter is on conan". oh, daniel. i am seeing the movie friday!!
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yesterday didn't turn out to be what i had expected. plans didn't work out, but i got lots of sun and walked around a lot. i have to re-learn where everything in this town is. it's weird how you can be from somewhere, move away, come back years later and forget so much. my mom and i had a girls night, and there was pizza + the great new wonderful, (which was really good, but made me think twice about becoming a pastry chef. i can't see myself working for a cake company like that anyway) + good talks. i think my mom is getting the hang of me being a lot more calm and easygoing nowadays, and she still expects me to just fight and argue over everything. i have grown up a lot.

when i get my security deposit or last paycheck, i am ordering these:


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i think they are the perfect shoe for summer (most of my friends own them, and love them) and they are for a good cause!
Toms


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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


another thing that makes me happy is paperheart. i have been lurking there for a while, and i find it really inspiring and beautiful. cinnayum posted about it recently, and felt i should repost about it.


i talked to youampersandme on the phone for a while today. i love her and miss her. hopefully i will have the money in time to go see devendra banhart with her in september!

what websites, blogs, artists, people on the internet inspire you?
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