today was sleeping in later than usual, swimming in a mossy lake in american apparel short shorts, letting my hair dry into perfect curls, and eating large dill pickles barefoot in my mom's kitchen.
all i think about is domestic life. i already miss my old apartment so much and it's only been a week. my little apartment with the radiator and fridge that dripped. walking over my bed to get to my bathroom. owls and paper latterns every which way. friends sleeping on the couch and on the floor and me in my bed in my closet with the dresses hanging over my head. but in my new domestic life, i see it with someone else, and that's even more happy and amazing. a big bed with crisp white sheets and comforters. kittens pouncing the hardwood floors, and a kitchen big enough to run my own bakery from. both of us writers and we make dinner and breakfast in our underwear and ride our bikes around the cobblestone streets that circle our apartment. making music and art and drinking tea before bed. we love eachother, but it's bad timing (sorta) and patience is needed.
and this week has been great and filled with my favorite people (though lacking in my favorite people too). sushi + fireworks + handholding + banjo playing + playgrounds + iced tea + libraries. it feels like i am the luckiest girl in the world, and maybe i am.
i'm on facebook now, and it's weird. i am getting used to the layout, but i keep feeling like i made a mistake somewhere.
tomorrow is monday. library, nikkkkkkk, folk dress and gold horse necklace, hopefully bike riding if the other one got fixed. big sunglasses,late lunch, bookstore. i want to write him letters and put them in his pockets or mail them to our future home.
quilt for the winter months
butterfly shadow box
i just ate my grandma's homemade raspberry jam straight from the jar. my hands are dry from the sun. my nails need to grow. my bangs need to grow. mccall needs to be here. i need to start getting more sleep.
tasks completed today: lunch with Amy (Chinese food and mojitos! yum!),applying and scoring an interview this Thursday at the rocket Bakery's downtown location (yesssss Browne's Addition!), registered to vote, got a new library card, and talked to someone about starting a zine shelf at the downtown location, and I purchased the materials for the "headdress" (red feathers! still need yellow!) that Nikk and I are creating for ourselves. I also ran into an old friend from junior high that just moved back from Bellingham and works at the library, and Nikk was even right when I said we would more than likely run into eachother, because we did. We walked around a lot and he is coming over Monday to keep me company.
I have so many thoughts in my head right now, and I wish I could just focus on one, but my mind is just flooded. On Monday they take out the ventilator that is keeping my grandmother alive. If she can't breathe without it in her, they are letting her go. I feel like I have been some glue that is holding everyone together since I got back, and it's almost too much work. I love my family, but I am scared too and stressed and helpless. It doesn't help that my mom is obviously worried about her mom, and this is causing us to fight. I'm trying to stay busy and out of everyone's way unless I know I should be there.
Please think good thoughts. Ok? I think I am going to go read this (from the library) and get rid of my headache.
So far, Spokane has been emotionally draining. A lot of stressful things have taken place since I woke up from my dad's house on Sunday morning. I hadn't been in a town a whole day yet, when my mom called and told me that my grandma was in the hospital for an anxiety attack (which hurt her much worse than say it may hurt me because she was also already so sick and getting to be pretty old). We unloaded the truck and went to visit her. We visited my grandpa at their new home (they sold their house he built to move to Spokane to live in a really nice assisted living community) and he was sad that my grandma hadn't seen it and wouldn't like it. Later, my mom finally just let me go meet some old friends because she knew I needed to get away, what with the stress of moving from another state as well.
So, the past week has been a blur. Nikk and I have been hanging out a lot and I can't believe how long it's been since I felt this way. The past two days were spent riding bikes non-stop, drinking wine from the bottle, wearing feathers in our hair, planning forts, drawing hearts with pinecones, listening to him play the banjo, listening to music, walking everywhere, and planning our future. He wants me to come to Mt. Home Boise for part of the summer to visit his mom and brothers. I am trying to convince him to come to Portland to see Devendra with me and McCall. We rode by the most perfect building the other day and we both pointed out how we wanted to live there someday soon. We are talking and planning and working and being brutally honest. I love how we can share anything and re-tell stories and not be bored. Only time will tell.
I am happy and scared all at once.
today, youampersandme and i had (as always) amazing pad thai. we had an amazing thrift day and got dresses and cute things to put in my new room. we listened to hilarious hip hop and tried to avoid the rain. we got photobooth photos. i am going to miss her so much.
my dad will be here tomorrow evening and i will be in spokane on saturday!!
Lately I have been smoking lots of American Spirits and listening to all my old records. Taking down all my pictures from the walls and saying my goodbyes. I cried last night in the arms of a friend and watched the original Parent Trap on VHS. I wrapped a braid in my hair in red thread and I wish this man were my boyfriend.
Less than 2 weeks to go. My dad is coming and we are eating at Zach's Shack (hot dogs!!!!) and I am taking polaroids all the way back to Eastern Washington. Life is ok.
I have a million and one things to do before the 29th when my dad drives down here to come get me and all my stuff.
I can't wait to come home, but I am also a little sad to leave, which is expected. I have found out that I am terrible at goodbyes and will never be able to express my exact feelings for someone without leaving out something important.
My hair is getting so long. I can barely eat because of nerves/excitement, and I want to take a ton of photos before I leave. I have a massive crush on one very amazing person here and one very amazing person there. My life is crazy and so am I.
I am doing everything I can to not cry every day until I leave, but I have failed. Every night I fall asleep crying and whether they are tears of joy or sadness, I hate it and wish I didn't have to be so emotional right now. I just can't seem to focus on anything because of the stress, but I know it will all be worth it. My heart is so full right now and I wish to share it with you.
My official last day in my apartment is July 1st. I will miss you Portland, but I know this is good for me.
In other good news, my directer at the radio station gave me an amazing silkscreened Devendra Banhart poster I have been eyeing at the studio, my first crush in Portland kissed me last night, and McCall and I are hanging out today.
Everything feels bittersweet right now.
I have been thinking a lot about Natalie Merchant/10,000 Maniacs for the past few days. My mom was really into them when I was growing up, and I listened to them a lot as well. They are very comforting to me right now, and I wish I had all their albums right now to listen to. So inspiring and beautiful.
"Take me now, baby, here as I am
Hold me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed
Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now"
This weekend has been amazing. I have needed a fun weekend lately, and it's exactly what I got. I have been hanging out with my friend Austin a lot and went out almost every night this weekend. I have been saying that I need to stay in and have down time, but Austin is so much fun. Making new friends is good.
Last night, after dinner, Austin picked me up and on the way to Tube, he told me how Air (the band) had come into Puma and bought shoes from him. So, a couple hours into dancing at Tube, Austin points me to the back and shows me the guys from Air wearing the shoes he sold them. Normally I would not have recognized them, because while I love their music, I haven't really seen many pictures of them, and with their haircuts and clothes, they just look like any other guy in Portland. I point them out to my friend Jean Claude, because we both love the new Charlotte Gainsbourg album that they just helped record, so we both went over to them and said hello and told them we love the album. Air is shy and they were surprised we even knew it was them. We chatted for a few, and left to go dancing again. As they were leaving, they pull Austin aside, hug him, tell him thank you and that they will see him around. Weird night.
I feel silly name dropping, but it was so random.
Thankfully I have no drama to report except for a girl that wants to kick my ass because I used to date her guy friend (and I guess she thinks that's some excuse to kick my ass). I didn't know I could cause so much drama just by going on a few dates with a guy. Whatever. It actually just made me laugh because I know if she tried anything at Tube, I could get her kicked out. Plus, she told me I am a dirty ho. Man, girl hate is fun, isn't it?
+My radio show. I have been having a lot of fun playing records and CDs that I am currently obsessed with. Plus, I get to use the internet without having to go pay somewhere for it. (I can't believe how strange it feels to not have internet at home still. Poor, broken computer.) Today's radio show is dedicated to starmiranda. I played REM's "Electrolite", Sleater Kinney's "One More Hour", and some other things for her, because I miss her dearly.
+After talking to my grandpa on the phone the other day about how work cut back my hours and how I don't have food, (him and mom have been worried about me), he offered to send me a check. Whoa! I don't ask for money or help, so it was so awesome to have him offer to help me.
+It was almost like summer out the other day. In the high 70's at least. Today it's rainy out. Oh, Portland. I want to get flowers for my apartment & sleep with windows open.
+I hung out with narrowescape this week. I have missed her dearly. We ate yummy vegan treats and talked about babies and things
+Friday night after work, I went thrifting and bought a ton of owl things. All for under $5. I came home and baked chocolate cupcakes & cleaned my apartment.
-My grandma just got out of the hospital. Her lungs are messed up. She came home the other day to rest, but she is getting older. These things happen. My aunt is also having problems. Scares of MS & cancer. I may be coming back to Spokane once she gets her surgery done. I want to come home anyway, but I wish it were for better reasons. Hopefully these are all just scares.