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punching bag

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i broke down last night and wanted to run away to portland. i still need to give myself time to settle in and live my life here. i have gone too far to go back a few steps and repeat everything i did. i'm also not giving up on him, but i am not going to stop my life for him. i can't continue this cycle. i am so tired of boys falling in "love" with me, but not being honest with me. it's not that i always believe them (but ok, i do/did believe nikk), but i also stick around far too long to find out what will happen. i have sort of taken the hint that he will either come around when he has had his alone time, or he won't. it doesn't stop hurting either way, but i can't end my life or put it on hold because he doesn't know what he wants. i know what i want, and that's what matters.

i was supposed to go see harry potter today, but plans were changed. dani's sister wanted to hang out with her because she was upset, and my mom called and asked me to come to the hospital because my aunt was upset and saying it was going to be my grandma's last breathe (she put it something like this. basically, we all freaked out. do you blame us?). turns out it wasn't, and not to sound mean or selfish, but what could we do? we have spent almost everyday up there for the past two weeks, and nothing is changing. i would hate her to die, but we can't stop our lives either. i finally got them to go to dinner with me so we wouldn't be stuck in the hospital anymore. i love my family, but they can be so high strung and intense sometimes. it's obvious right now why they would be, but they have been like this since i can remember. i think i deserve the best daughter award for putting up with half the shit my mom has said to me or done since i got back, and yet i am not saying anything. i'm a trooper, but it's tiring putting up with someone else's stress on top of yours, and when i was crying last night, she got mad and said that nobody made me move. i'm cutting her some slack since i know what she is going through must be ten times as worse since it is her mom.

i just hope things up, period. we told my aunt not to call us tomorrow, even if it's the worse, because she gets so emotional and jumps the gun before she knows what's going on, and then everyone is in a frenzy. my headache is so big right now that i can hear the thumping and throbbing. but, this is what we do for family. i'm not doing this so they can reward me and shower me with compliments, but i feel like a punching bag, and it needs to stop.
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On July 14th, 2007 07:56 pm (UTC), starmiranda commented:
i hope things get better really soon, dear. i think if you can move away from the valley things will really improve. it's really hard to live out there without a car. it's just weirdly isolated. xxoo
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On July 14th, 2007 09:04 pm (UTC), triptothemoon replied:
i couldn't agree more! it's all sort of in the works, and i find out monday if i scored that job at the rocket, which would be perfect! life in the valley won't last long, and then i can just get a bike and or walk to work!
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